I agree with everything that is said here and have been in THIS exact situation so this is a no brainer reblog: thanks bblove for putting to words what i’ve felt in a few occasions. you’ll be ok; play raunchy music, go out a LOT, and exercise. xxooxx:
Let’s talk about how what I’m doing is fundamentally stupid. It’s not that it’s impossible, that it can’t be done, I’m just aware that it’s a tight rope to walk without falling off. Ex Sex. The sex was so good you don’t see why you have to give it up now that you’re broken up. As long as you stay emotionally uninvolved, you’re fine, right?
Except that one of you is a woman. By nature, sex is emotional for you.
I’m the one who brought up the Ex Sex; I used the “We can still be friends” angle and then a few days later threw out “Hey, what happened to breakup sex?” and invited him over. To make sure he knew it was casual, I even told him he didn’t have to stay the night, which he did anyway. Then I did it again the next week. And then I turned down both his booty calls on Friday and Sunday nights, I guess to prove I’m not at his beck and call. I’m so tough, right?
And yet after being with him last night, I felt a little sad. I felt bummed out that I wouldn’t be with him when he sold the house he’s building or has his first Muay Thai fight. I kept thinking about the person I want him to be and wish he was and kept having to remind myself that he isn’t that guy. And the sex is confusing because while it’s so awesome during, afterward he doesn’t cuddle with me. Which he never did even when he was your boyfriend! I remind myself. But something about it now feels cheap. It feels like he’s getting me too easily, without obligation. Casual, by definition, but I only made him miss me for such a very a short time …
“Who cares?” my guy friend pointed out, “Aren’t you using him as much as he’s using you?” True. But I think by nature women tend to feel used, even if it’s just a tiny bit, when they have sex with someone who isn’t in a commitment with them.
An example: My old roommate liked to think sex gave her power, so she took home every Porsche-driving doctor or hot bartender in Scottsdale. She always said she didn’t care about these guys — no strings ever attached. But once it became apparent that the Porsche-driving doctor had a fiancé, and he blew her off the next she ran into him, she was upset. I finally told her, “You think you’re just fucking these guys, but they’re always fucking you.” Girls’ emotions get in the way, inevitably.
It’s biological. Sex is how women connect. The flood of oxytocin we get after great sex bonds us to the person we’re with, the same way a mother bonds with her child or a child bonds with a puppy. In men, testosterone suppresses the same reaction, the chemical love.
F is about as testosterone-driven as they come, which makes for incredible sex but disappointing pillow talk. (I just said pillow talk, gross.) And I knew this going in, so why would I expect anything different? I suppose I just have to separate the sex from the past but not the person. Maybe I’m getting him out of my system; maybe we both weren’t ready to give each other up. Maybe I need to quit being such a freaking girl.